I suppose you think you know about the kinds of animals that live in forests.

Well, you don’t, so you can wipe that stupid grin off your face. And pull your trousers up, for God’s sake.

The animals you commonly associate with forests - squirrels, hedgehogs, owls, etc., are all fictional. You think you’ve seen a badger? You’re an idiot. Rabbits? Lies. You know nothing.

These ridiculous creatures were invented to hide from you the real truth about what lives in the forest, because the things that live in there will make you shave yourself in horror.

What follows is a selection of just some of the real creatures of the forest.

Take note people, because if you should find yourself in a forest anytime soon, and you don’t know what to expect, you might just sick your whole face off.